I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I dont know why.


I was telling the wife that an old bloke had just driven by on a tractor, shouting 'The end of the world is upon us!'.
She said 'that sounds like farmer Geddon'


A police patrol car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway, glancing into the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde replied back, "SCARF!"


A council estate in Liverpool was evacuated today after a suspicious object was found . Close examination by the police revealed it was a payslip


Blonde goes to doctor and says doctor i think there is something seriously wrong with me,everytime I touch my body it hurts.
Doctor says ok touch your shoulder does that hurt,she painfully replies yes,doctor says ok touch your knee does that hurt,again she painfully replies yes,doctor says ok one last time touch your nose does that hurt,she again painfully replies yes.
Blonde then says doctor im really worried what is wrong with me,to which the doctor replies................................you have broken your finger.




Two southerners - businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break
in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're
selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad
Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling idiots."
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said,
"Tha's doing well ... Only two left!"
Southerners - God bless 'em - should not mess with Northerners.


Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast
speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her
mouth shut.

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How
good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm having that!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials
999. Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed
her" Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really
is dead?" CLICK, BANG Paddy "OK, done that, what next?


A leeds man walks into Natwest and asks for a loan, he tells the bank hes going to australia for 2 weeks on business, and needs to borrow 5k. the bank tell him they will need some form of security, so the yorkshireman hands over the keys and docs for a new ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. he produces the log book and everything checks out. the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. the bank manager and staff all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking yorkshireman for using 120k ferrari as security against a 5k loan. the bank manager then instructs an employee to drive the car to the under ground garage, where he parks it. 2 weeks later, the man returns, repays the 5k and interest of 15.41 the bank manager says, sir we are very happy to have your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. while you were away, we checked you out further and found you are a multi millionaire , what puzzles us, is why would you bother to borrow 5k? the yorkshireman replies. where else in leeds can i park my car for 2 weeks for only 15.41 and expect it to be there when i return


True transcript from an American court.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient

was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk

in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been

alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been

alive and practising law.

---

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer.

"I'm looking for some cheap flights," I replied.

"Oh that's great love," she said. "Have you found any? I'll help you look."

She usually isn't that interested in darts.

---

Apparently Alzheimer's is hereditary, both my mum and dad suffer from it now, which scares me because apparently Alzheimer's is hereditary.

---

Then there was this guy in Barnsley market in the sixties selling the 'Elixir of Life'. Cures everything from colds to warts and extends your life forever.

The police picked him up for potential fraud and took him to the station

The sergeant said to the constable, 'Go and check to see if he has been brought in before for the same offence, while I take him down to be charged'

As the sergeant was charging him, the constable returned. 'Now', said the sergeant, 'Has he been arrested before?'

The constable said, 'Yes, sarge, once, in 1954, and in 1898 and 1756..!!!'

---

I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

---

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself that guys heading for a breakdown.

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